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VIVYD Magazine: Culture | Misunderstood: The Burden of Being Yourself
Misunderstood: The Burden of Being Yourself
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by Ron Adams
I am wondering can you relate? Do you sometimes hate your personality? Now before anyone goes too far, I am not talking about disliking your real self, the person that you really are. The person that only you know and maybe one other person. I am talking about the you, that everyone receives as their perspective of you. Let me break it down.
I am and continue to be that guy that has never really fit in anywhere. I am Black, but some folks would not really relate me to being Black, including other Black people. I remember one conversation with a family member not too long ago and during the conversation she was happy to remind me that I was “Black.” What!!! Remember I am Black….WTF! Now let me shape my response. Take a second to understand I am a black man, who lives in America. I have been discriminated against, feared and misunderstood, by society at large. I have been overlooked for opportunities and seen as a threat just because of my size and my appearance. I am deathly afraid of being pulled by the police, just like many other Black people and I have had to have the speech with my kids. When she said that to me not only did I feel insulted, but it hurt that a family member would think they would have to remind me of the obvious. Moreover, it also reminded me; I have this thing about me that even my close family cannot understand.
For me, people have always seen me as fearless, strong, open minded, smart, compassionate, and disciplined. Not my words, but these are the words that I have heard most of my life to describe me. In year books, letters, emails, and verbal conversations these words have peppered my accomplishments as well as failures. The odd thing is I would use none of those words to describe myself. The fact of the matter is I really see myself quite differently. This conflict in description from what I know to be true in comparison to other’s perception has brought me countless misunderstandings throughout my life and as you could imagine a loss of some friends, family, and
Over the course of my life, I have had very few authentic friends. Growing up I did not fit into most standard boxes. I was raised in an average Black neighborhood, although I was never in classrooms where there were a lot of other Black students. Most of the kids in my neighborhood thought that I was a little weird. The few friends I did make were of all different races, beliefs, and zip codes. The box I should have fit in I found it to be unaccepting and judgmental. The box that was somewhat accepting was not a natural fit and at times left me even more isolated. This lack of belonging made me a little withdrawn from people at times. I quickly learned that I had to be the strongest for me, because in actuality not many people were ever going to have your back. People who did not know me perceived me to being arrogant, conceited, and cocky, but the fact of the matter is I felt alone. I felt that I was on an island and even though everyone knew where to find me no one would ever really come to help. As I grew into adulthood this feeling of not belonging made many of my adult friendships more like acquaintances verses real friends.
When it comes to my family it is/was not much better. I think what makes this sadder is that this is my family. The worse part for me is that I have an expectation that people should treat people the way they want to be treated. Meaning if you want people to treat you with understanding you must give understanding to other people.
I believe that regard to be even more expected by family because these are the people who are supposed to support you in all things. Sadly, with family these rules simply do not apply. What I found is that your family is always going to be your most critical judge. The same people I lived with, prayed with, cried with, and ate with, have always wanted more from me than they were ever willing to give. I have given and been there for many of my family members, but when it is their turn to be there for me it is always a reason, based on how they perceive me to be of why they cannot help or why they should not be there. Recently, the new thing is the pressure that they think that I put on them by simply being myself. The personal standards I set for myself, I have never imposed on others, but because I have set standards, I am accused of looking down or thinking I am better. My life, my ideals, were never meant to be illustrations of what I expect out of people, just what I expect out of myself. Needless to say, it is occasionally necessary to hide who you are as to not let them feel threatened by you just trying to do you.
In life I have always chosen to aspire to levels above my current station. I have achieved some levels of higher education, I have always worked, and completed one successful career in which I am currently retired from. Many of my female friends have told me that I am the guy that most women would look for because I am driven and stable. My response to that is always this, “as you might see this as a strength, I would argue that I see it as a possible weakness.” Not in the traditional sense of a weakness, but as a measure
that partners always think they need to measure themselves to. Not because I have asked them to, but something that they feel that they must do. In both of my marriages, both of my ex’s have said, “I feel like I am standing still when I am next to you.” Of course, I cannot understand that because I do not see myself as moving that fast. Hell, at times I do not see myself moving at all. But for some reason I give off that impression and have found that it is an obstacle that is insurmountable.
A heavy toll is paid by your inner being after always having to tone down who you are or give someone a calculated portion of yourself, you sometimes forget who you are at heart. The burden of keeping your real self undercover is substantial and unfair. You are constantly walking on eggshells, which make people feel like you are not being genuine, which is true, but how can you be sincere when they have already demonstrated in so many ways that they are incapable of handling who you are. How ironic is that people want you to be you but have shown they unwilling to deal with you. I guess for me and those like me, the bright side in this, is that you are used to being alone and that even though this not something that you would want for yourself, you have endured this regiment for most of your existence. There is power in knowing yourself and the ability to define your limitations even though most of the world would never have the pleasure of knowing the true you.
