Advice Column

I offered to give you all life advice. These were your questions.

I can’t stop thinking about Erwin Smith and Levi Ackerman from Attack on Titan having sex with each other. What kind of sex would they have? Would Levi, usually so dominant in every other aspect of his life, submit to Erwin? Would he be bratty about it? Would Erwin edge him? Would they fuck once and never speak about it again? I can’t keep living like this.

I mean, who doesn’t fantasize about them constantly? I myself spend 25 hours a day imagining them trying every position in the Kamasutra. So to answer your question, they would absolutely switch constantly between cowboy and the wheelbarrow. Both take turns being submissive, as they want to experience everything there is to experience. You can’t be bratty when you are experiencing true love, and true love requires no edging to last all day. So no, they fuck every day, passionately and intensely, making sure the whole world knows their love is true.

Do you forgive me for all of that?

Of course, I am incapable of holding any hatred within me. All is forgiven.

To whom it may concern,

Recently I have met a stranger. While filling up my car at the Gulf downtown, a man across the street yelled over if he could catch a ride with my friend and me. After I noticed he had groceries, I figured he would be more interested in getting his stuff home than mugging us, and I said “Sure, come on over.”. It was a nice drive and he was a pretty good guy, but this story does not end there. Two days later, after applying to the Pump House Gym on Main St., I noticed a familiar face waiting for a bus. Sure enough it was the same man, so I offered him a ride. I had one condition though, I planned on checking out the flower shop in the adjacent parking lot. So together, we spent time in a flower shop together. There he told me about his new found appreciation for pink roses. Afterwards on the drive home, we were talking and I learned of his passion for on sale clothing, cigarettes, and most importantly - he is not a racist as he has half caucasian nieces and nephews. This is where I started to realise (sic), maybe there is some sparks between us. Maybe that flower shop was our first date. So now with these swirling emotions, my question for you is, how should I - a deeply closeted gay white man - attain a second date with him?

Keep giving him rides, and eventually, he won’t just be riding your car. ;) Good luck!

Can people smell fear?

Yes, I smell it everyday. Its smell overwhelms me and I can only pray that one day the fear that grips the campus will

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disperse. Only when Sodexo is banished from here will peace return to our dear college.

How can I get over the fear of stepping on a crack and thus, breaking my father’s back?

Just bite the (metaphorical) bullet and literally break your fathers back with a hammer. Then you can step on cracks to your delight.

Can I replicate the feeling of crack cocaine in my body just by imagining it?

They (I don’t know who) say that imagination can bring about any of your dreams, and as a result I have been high for the last 4 years of my life. It really is one hell of a drug.

How can I share my weird humor with others more often, and have my joke land?

The most important thing is to have confidence in yourself when making a funny. You should also use topics that are normally made into jokes, just to make sure they land. May I recommend: your life? Your relationship status? Your arduous journey with nicotine addiction? The possibilities are endless!

I’m a bored TA and nobody comes to my office hours. How do I spice them up and/or attract students to come?

Why are you complaining? Just use your office hours to play video games or whatever the hell else you find entertaining. Take this gift horsecock straight in the mouth and enjoy your time.

I’m a bored movie director and nobody comes to my cocaine parties. How do I spice them up and/or attract minors to come?

I hear the zoomers today love Minecraft, so try sending out a casting call for Minecraft: The Motion Picture on the TikTok Family Guy AskReddit Subway Surfer Temple Run $1000 iPod with Flappy Bird Installed Pull the Pin Among Us Grab the Planet Offensive Memes You Laugh You Lose ADHD Stim compilations. That way, not only will you get minors, but miners as well!

I’m writing a new song that will be hip with all the kids, but I don’t know how to finish a lyric. It starts with, “Something in the way…” and then I lose my inspiration. What should I write after it?

Just repeat the “something in the way” for twenty minutes and call it a day. I’m sure it’ll be a big hit with the kids one day in a semi-ironic, depression-core, sigma-style way.

When will Binghamton Review start publishing hardcore pornography like I asked?

We have, you just haven’t been looking hard (get it) enough. I’ll give you a hint, we have a YouTube channel.

My close friend, a Reddit-enthusiast, told me that I seem like someone who regularly browses r/sinkpissers. What gave it away, and what implications does this have on my relationship with her?

A woman?! Who uses Reddit?! Let me tell you, as someone who regularly drugs and beats up Redditors at night, I know that if she thinks you’re a r/sinkpissers member/lurker, and she hasn’t tried to downdoot you irl, you need to marry her immediately (I get my relationship advice from r/relationship_advice).

Should I put my cast-iron pan in the dishwasher? I don’t have much time, so in the time it takes for me to wash it “properly,” I’ll have to leave my kid in the hot car. Decisions, decisions…

Back in my day I was left in a hot car all day, so if your child can’t stand the heat in the time it takes you to wash a simple cast-iron pan, do they even deserve to live? Although, if you left a little doggie in the car without his favorite Billy Joel album playing I’d have to filet you.

With registration coming up, what are the best classes for me to take next semester? SKP 402 Topics in Advanced Sinkpissing seems interesting, but it conflicts with FNAF 311 LGBTQ+ in Five Nights at Freddy’s discussion. What should I choose?

Just because you think a class “sounds interesting,” that doesn’t mean that the class itself is interesting. The important part of any class is the professor, who can make or break a class, depending on his mood. Dr. Ihatepoop’n’farts, for instance, really ruined PNF 340 Topics in Poops and Farts for me, but Dr. Tweak-ma-nipples made intro to calc an unforgettable experience.

I need to become less funny. How?

Don’t ask us, we are clearly hilarious. *wink*

What is the best fast-food fried chicken sandwich? Now, when you answer this, remember that this is the April Fools issue, and as such, one should respond to it with a comically bad or nonsensical/impossible answer. Alternatively, you could respond to it with your honest opinion, as that would be a comic double-inversion of the April Fools trope. I have taken an English class before.

KFC’s new chicken wraps are the best fast food chicken sandwiches. And yes, I do consider wraps sandwiches. Fight me.

I receive too much female attention due to the excessive amount of Patrick Bateman-posting I do on ifunny.com, and it’s getting in the way of my edgy-incel-stone-cold-doomer pill thoughts- maxxing. I’m starting to lose my grip on my delusional fantasy. What do I do to bring back my depressive attitude towards life?

You haven’t left your delusion yet, women aren’t real.

How do I up my golfing game?

It’s ok, struggling to get it up is a problem faced by many men so there is no reason to be ashamed. Especially since there are now tons of treatments available to ease your problem. Soon, getting your ‘game’ up will no longer be a struggle, and you’ll be smacking balls with the energy you haven’t had since you were a teenager.

Is it okay to watch porn with your friends?

Why wouldn’t it be? Unless, of course, you’re watching that vanilla missionary sex. That’s a disgusting affront against God you damn dirty heathen.

What is wrong with people? I found out about the legend of the Imgur blumpkin and… I saw things.

What the fuck is an Imgur Blumpkin?

What if Binghamton Review all lived in a house together? That would be pretty funny I think.

The first few weeks would likely consist of all sorts of shenanigans. You know, playing Mario Kart, drinking excessively, writing last minute articles, and arguing about which Weezer album is the best. Then, inevitably, someone will suggest we play Monopoly. At this point, only one of us will be leaving that house alive.

Is it normal to sniff Clorox wet wipes when I feel upset or need inspiration for my next artwork?

No, it is not normal, but who am I to judge you? I myself get an odd sense of enjoyment from answering these questions. Although, that may just be Stockholm Syndrome. Anyway, live your life in the happiest way possible. :)

This is a serious problem. Up until now, I’ve kept my gooning seshes and my mind-palace as two separate entities. But, as time goes on, they have started to merge together. Let me explain. When I enter my mind-palace to solve the riddles on r/riddles, I notice that where my mind-poster board once stood on my mind-wall, it’s just filled with mental softcore pornography instead. And so of course I have to sit down on my mind-couch and mentally pleasure myself for hours on end. As such, my mind-spooge has stained my mind-palace beyond repair, and mind-cold-water isn’t helping. Please help.

In all my days, I have never had a question I can’t answer… until now. You’re on your own, buddy.

Need life advice? Email manager@binghamtonreview.com for more wacky, quirky, and zany responses.